As humans, we are social beings. We are looking for a sense of belonging and want to feel connected to others. This need for connection is part of our DNA and is even essential for survival, especially at the beginning of our lives. As babies, we think we are completely connected to the world and only later develop an ego. And to the extent that we realise that we are indeed individuals, our search for meaning or significance also begins. We want to have a significance for our social environment. We want to mean something to the people close to us. And not be irrelevant. This means that significance is just as important to us as a sense of belonging.
But how exactly do significance (with its connection to the ego) and belonging (as a social dimension) fit together? And don’t they contradict each other somehow?
There is an interesting English saying that is intended to motivate people not to make themselves comon with others: “Why do we try so hard to fit in, if we are meant to stand out?” In other words: “Why do we try so relentlessly to belong when we are made to be unique?”
The truth is, we actually want and need both. But there are a few interesting words in what has been written so far that are worth taking a closer look at and differentiating.
Firstly, there is the difference between “belonging” and “making oneself common”. As social beings, we want to be part of a community and feel that we belong – naturally, the point of reference can be very different. This desire is based on an archaic need for connection and protection. On the other hand, making ourselves common is rather dangerous for us and our psyche. It is usually a bit chummy and leads to us “dissolving” as individuals. Societies in which the individual has no meaning and does not count therefore often have a high level of depression and suicides.
The next important difference is between “ego” and ” significance”. Firstly, we need to get rid of the idea that our ego is fundamentally a bad thing. On the contrary, a healthy self-centredness and perception of ourselves is essential for our psychological health. Even more, it is necessary in order to be able to love ourselves at all! We need to know that we are “ok” and believe it ourselves. Many psychological problems that we struggle with throughout our lives have arisen because someone has repeatedly told us that this is not the case, making us feel “not ok” and/or “not enough”.
In this respect, the desire for significance arises from our ego and at the same time forms the bridge to our need for belonging. Because we have a deep intrinsic understanding that we are unique as individuals. Nobody is exactly like us – not even if we are twins. We know and feel this and want to be perceived accordingly by our environment. We want to be relevant and important to the people around us. We want to mean something to them. This is quite normal and not an unreasonable desire. On the contrary, this awareness of actively shaping our relationships with others is the foundation for developing a real sense of belonging.
Because there is also a danger in our need for connection. People who lack self-confidence and self-love often try to fill this vacuum by being there for others beyond a healthy level – in order to secure their love and affection. They therefore unconsciously “live” an agreement they have made with themselves (!): “I am there for you and sacrifice myself for you, and you love me in return.” – with the implicit parenthesis (“because I can’t love myself”). This is incredibly unhealthy and dangerous, and is often accompanied by great disappointment if the other person doesn’t want to accept this “gift” and withdraws, or doesn’t behave in line with the expectations associated with it. And this in turn often leads to the first person feeling like a victim. As you can see, it’s a very complex, toxic chain that develops here …
Accordingly, the desire and search for significance and the associated question of “Who am I?” – and not “Who do I want to be for others?” – is incredibly important for our psychological health and at the same time our ability to truly connect with others.
And why are significance and belonging ultimately also important for developing resilience?
Significance and belonging are like two sides of the same coin when it comes to building resilience – expressing more or less the ability to give and take.
Being significant to someone gives you the ability to stand by that person in a crisis, because in these moments people turn to those whom they trust the most and who they believe might be able to help them. This is the giving side.
On the other hand, stable relationships and feeling a sense of belonging are essential for our ability to stay resilient. If we have no one to support us, we feel weak and lonely. This often leads to us being drawn even deeper into a crisis (by ourselves) instead of actively facing it with the help of others. This is the dimension of taking – as we have to be able to allow and accept this help.
