There are books that move us not because they tell us something completely new, but because they show us what we have long known or suspected. And because they express in simple words what we feel deep inside, but perhaps have not yet been able to name.

Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory” is one such book.

Two words are at the heart of their message: ‘Let them.’ And although they seem so simple, they are anything but banal. They describe an attitude that is as clear as it is challenging. An attitude that teaches us to distinguish precisely: What belongs to me – and what does not? Where does my influence begin – and where does it end?

Because the real drama often begins not in the outside world, but in our need to influence things we cannot control. For example, how other people perceive us. How they think about us. Their reactions. Their image of us.

Why control does not create connection

We try to be liked by influencing others. We want to avoid conflict by conforming. We believe we are taking responsibility when we take care of everything – including what other people think or decide.

But in reality, constantly managing other people’s expectations does not create connection, but tension. Because the moment we try to shape someone else’s inner world, we lose touch with our own. We react. We interpret. We optimize.

And this leads to a quiet exhaustion – not because we are doing too little, but because we are trying to achieve results in the wrong place. “Let them” is an invitation to stop doing this. Not out of defiance. Not out of powerlessness. Not as a retreat. But for our own sake. Out of self-respect. And as self-empowerment.

What really belongs to you – and what doesn’t

When someone misunderstands you, criticises you or turns away from you, how often do you think: What did I do wrong? Perhaps you did nothing wrong. Perhaps it is the other person’s problem, and not yours at all. And perhaps the most important decision at that moment is not to try to influence the other person’s perception, but to do nothing at all.

Because as hard as it is to accept sometimes, you cannot control how other people see you. You cannot guarantee that everyone will understand you. And you will not be able to prevent someone from forming an opinion of you that is unfair. Just assume that others will think badly of you at times anyway. Even those who mean the most to you. It’s no different for you. Sometimes you too could send your partner, your children or your colleagues to the moon. And what you think then is certainly not very nice – and not always fair. And others feel the same way about you. So it’s perfectly normal!

But what you can control is your reaction, your attitude and the decision to take responsibility exactly where it really belongs to you – and not beyond that.

Letting go is not surrender – it is an act of sovereignty and self-empowerment.

Many people confuse letting go with indifference. But the two have little to do with each other. When you say, ‘Let them,’ you are not saying, ‘I don’t care.’ Rather, you are saying, ‘I recognize that I cannot control your perception.’

This attitude relieves stress – and liberates you. Because it leads back to self-efficacy. Back to what you can actually shape: how you deal with conflicts. Your approach to rejection. Your approach to opinions that are not your own. And the clearer you draw this line, the calmer you will become inside. Because you will stop wasting energy on things you cannot change. And because you will begin to direct your energy to where it really makes a difference.

And that is the second, and probably even more important part of the ‘Let Them Theory’: ‘Let me!’

How you can train this mindset

Letting go is not a talent. It is a skill. And like any skill, it can be practised – through conscious decision, repetition and patience. If you want to not only understand the phrase ‘let them’ but also internalise it, the following exercise may help:

  1. Be aware when you get caught up in someone else’s issues. Every time you notice that another person’s opinion, behaviour or expectations are weighing on you, pause for a moment.

  2. Bring the focus back to yourself. Ask yourself: What is my part in this – and what is not? Are you reacting autonomously to an actual conflict, or are you just trying to correct the image someone else has of you?

  3. Consciously leave responsibility where it belongs. Distinguish between “Let them” – whatever they think or mean – and “Let me” act according to my own values, needs, goals and dreams.

This simple exercise helps you to sort yourself out internally – without retreating or rebelling. It strengthens your emotional self-regulation and makes you freer in your thoughts and actions.

What remains when you let go

The people around you will not suddenly change. Perhaps never. And you have to decide if and how you want to deal with that. Some will continue not to understand you. Others will distance themselves when you stop conforming. That’s part of it. And you deserve better than someone appreciating you just because you meet HIS or HER needs.

But something within you will change fundamentally: you will become clearer. Calmer. And less dependent on external validation. “Let them” is not a dogma. It is not a trick. It is a quiet decision to no longer lose yourself – just because others see you differently than you are.

Conclusion: What someone thinks about you says more about them than it does about you.

You are not here to clear up every misunderstanding. You are not here to desperately try to change the image someone has of you and fall into depression when you fail – because it is impossible anyway. And you are certainly not here to please everyone. What you can do: stay present. Stay clear. And above all, stay true to yourself.

So the next time something triggers you that doesn’t belong to you, try saying this sentence: ‘Let them.’ Not as a defence, but as a reminder: you are allowed to let go of what is not yours.

The first time, you will probably have to repeat it many times before it works. Don’t give up right away. It will take time. Keep doing it until it starts to calm you down and ground you again. And each time, you will need fewer repetitions. Until eventually, you only need to say it to yourself once. As I said, you just have to practise. But then the effect is magical!