There are moments when looking ahead optimistically and believing that “things will get better again” seems almost impossible.
So how do we manage to find new courage in a situation that feels hopeless and look positively into the future? And what does acceptance have to do with it?
The interesting thing about moments of discomfort caused by stress, anxiety, etc. is that we usually try to defend ourselves against these feelings. We don’t want to feel bad and we want to get rid of these feelings as quickly as possible. That is, we usually fight it in different ways.
The problem is, however, that this actually only leads us to expose ourselves to this feeling and remain in it. Because we cannot conquer these negative feelings. And above all, we cannot get rid of them by simply trying to “lock them out” or “ignore” them. Instead, one is drawn deeper and deeper into those negative feelings.
It’s kind of like being in a boat and suddenly realising that water is entering the boat.It’s kind of like being in a boat and suddenly realising that water is entering the boat. You are stressed, get scared and maybe even start to panic. If you now just try like crazy to scoop water out of the boat, you will eventually be so exhausted that you will inevitably sink. But if instead you first pause for a moment, accept for yourself that you are in a difficult situation, think about where the water is coming from and how you can fix the leak, you have a chance of getting through this crisis situation and perhaps even come out of it stronger. With negative feelings It is actually exactly the same: Instead of resisting these feelings and trying to suppress them, one should look very closely (see also consciousness), try to understand where this feeling is coming from, invite it and understand it as something that belongs to you.
Of course, this sounds abstract at first, but you can imagine it as follows: Fear rings at the door. You open the door, recognise the fear and try to close the door again as quickly as possible so that the fear cannot enter your own four walls under any circumstances – but this is usually not successful because it has already slipped in somehow and is now spreading everywhere. Instead, invite the fear in, offer it a seat on the sofa and ask: “What brings you here? Why did you come? And, what do you want from me?” In other words, one should look very closely at such stress or anxiety. And like a detective, find out why it has actually come and what its function is. But you can only do that if you “welcome it” – and not if you slam the door in its face. In a metaphorical sense, it is about understanding this negative feeling as a natural part of oneself and that its existence is something completely ‘normal’. After all, it is quite natural that we are stressed, afraid, etc. in certain situations. And to the extent that we allow ourselves to understand these negative feelings as natural parts of ourselves, they lose their power to threaten us. And by doing so, we can accept these feelings as something quite normal and natural and “explore” their causes. In other words, we accept that moment or occurence of what it is.
On this basis – when you understand why you are stressed or anxious – it is then much easier to consider and/or dig into what you could/should/must do to get out of this state again. And above all, that you can influence or achieve this yourself (see also self-efficacy). This almost automatically leads to a feeling of new hope in what may initially seem to be a hopeless situation. And optimism returns.
Or to put it another way: without acceptance of the status quo, hope and optimism are not even possible.
And if this sentence still sounds rather strange to you, let me add an important differentiation: Acceptance does not mean that one finds a condition fundamentally good or okay. No, acceptance just means that it’s okay the way it is right now. But that does not mean that one does not want to change something about it and can do so. That’s the essential difference.
And why are acceptance and optimism important for building resilience?
Since resilience is essentially about our emotional resistance – i.e. how we manage to deal successfully with stress, disturbances and crises – it is important to accept the fact that there is a crisis, a problem or fear in the first place. Because all of this is just as much a part of us and our lives as the moments that we perceive as fulfilling and in which we feel happy.
If we do this and experience that acceptance has nothing to do with powerlessness and being at the mercy of others, but that acceptance is only the first step towards regaining self-efficacy and wanting to and being able to change something about the current situation, this is the first step towards an optimistic view of our own future. Or as the saying goes: “We are always the dsigners of our own destiny”.
