You probably know the situation: something triggers you cognitively or emotionally, but you forbid yourself from having a reaction at first. In many cases this is socially trained or desirable and not a bad thing, but when you start to ” swallow” things it becomes unhealthy and toxic. And at some point, the “barrel flows over” and you really “throw up”.

But what exactly is happening there? And how can you prevent it?

Well, first of all, the semantic or metaphorical power and meaning of these images is interesting: a barrel slowly fills up and at some point – because there is no more space for more liquid – flows over. And the liquid pours out from the inside to the outside. Or you eat until your body can no longer cope with the food and, in an act of self-protection or self-care, triggers a vomiting reflex that makes you throw up. And what happens here on a physical or physiological level also applies metaphorically to our soul.

If we don’t externalise, i.e. express, our disturbing feelings and what triggers us in a healthy way, the proverbial barrel will eventually flow over. And that usually comes at a relatively high cost to us and our relationships. This often leads to a kind of “volcanic eruption” that is not expected by the relevant people, which initially surprises and irritates them – because the reaction often does not seem proportionate at first (the last “drop” vs. the “overflow”). We also experience this ourselves with others and are then also initially “thrown for a loop”.

So what can we do in terms of increasing resilience to prevent the barrel from filling up and flowing over in the first place?

Essentially, this has to do above all with allowing ourselves to express our disturbing feelings and needs “non-violently” and thus stand up for ourselves (see also ‘non-violent communication’)

Unfortunately, we have often not learnt or trained to do this. As small children, we initially only have the opportunity to express our needs by smiling or crying and screaming. When we then slowly learn to talk, we continue to use these behaviours because they are so efficient in getting what we want. Most parents find this stressful and suppress it. As a result, we learn that our needs are apparently irrelevant, expressed emotions seem rather undesirable and we start to “eat them up” – and unlearn to negotiate our needs “non-violently” in relation to the needs of others.

But it is precisely this ability that is extremely important for our psychological health – and that of others.

So, in order for our “barrel not to fill up and flow over”, it is important:

  • Understanding our own needs in the first place (consciousness)
  • Allowing ourselves to accept these needs to be relevant and appropriate (permission)
  • And to express and negotiate these needs with others (communication)

This is particularly difficult for those people who have either been taught that their needs are less relevant than those of others and that they should subordinate themselves, or who have experienced that expressing and demanding their own needs has led to massive relationship problems. The danger here is that they now also apply the “eat and explode” behaviour to those people who would in principle be prepared to negotiate their respective individual needs. In addition, they implicitly prevent the other person from taking their needs seriously if they come across as a “volcanic eruption”.

In this respect, it is therefore important to train yourself to take your own needs seriously and to express and negotiate them as early as possible in clear “I” messages, instead of gradually bottling up the growing frustration over their non-fulfilment without giving the other person the chance to react.

In the sense described above, this requires consciousness, self-permission and neutral, non-violent communication. And, as always, the path of small steps applies here too. Start with a person who is basically well-disposed towards you and start with a need that is relatively insignificant, but still unfulfilled [„Right now, I would (rather) like to …]. The reaction is often: “No problem, happy to …” or “I didn’t realise yet that this is important to you …” From there, and with the first positive experiences and successes, you can then slowly work your way up to the big issues and more challenging relationships.

The nice thing about it: this training will probably mean that your barrel never has to overflow again, because everything that moves you has already been solved beforehand. What a wonderful thought!