What is the best way to deal with being afraid of something? And how can anxieties ideally be reduced step by step?
First of all, fear is a good thing.
Yes, I know, that sounds pretty weird at first. Because being afraid of something doesn’t feel good at all and the natural reflex is to get rid of a feeling of anxiety as quickly as possible. And there is a good reason for this, which is rooted in the evolution of mankind and the way our brain works.
When we still lived in caves, fears were essential for survival. This is why our “fear centre” is located in the oldest part of our brain, the so-called amygdala. The amygdala is extremely fast and ensures that two things happen in the event of a disturbance:
- Full focus on the problem – we immediately fall into the infamous “tunnel vision” and hardly notice anything other than the supposed problem.
- Triggering the flight reflex – since we as cavemen could not usually defeat wild animals, etc., it was best to run away. This is why the amygdala floods us with adrenaline in order to mobilise all the forces in the body for a possible escape.
So neither is at all suitable for analysing in peace and quiet whether there really is a problem here – because a few thousand years ago we might have been dead and eaten by then.
The problem is that the amygdala still does its job today just as it did thousands of years ago. So this part of the brain has not really developed any further, but is still the first to react. So it’s no wonder that when we feel anxious, we can no longer think clearly, imagine ourselves in a tunnel with no options for action and would prefer to simply run away.
A classic case of self-hypnosis.
If you want to understand fears or reduce feelings of anxiety, it is therefore important to give yourself time. To do this, it is necessary to “override” the amygdala by not reacting to the trigger of fear and resisting the flight reflex. Fortunately, the amygdala reaction is short and violent (fleeing quickly) and does not last very long. And we can take advantage of this.
The next step is to not simply go back to business as usual.
However, many people try to do exactly this. This is because the amygdala reaction is violent and tends to be exhausting. This is why we tend to return to “normality” as quickly as possible and forget or repress the stressful moment. This feels good on the surface, but of course it means that nothing changes at all and that you will experience a similar situation as just as bad, or even worse, the next time.
And this is where our exercise begins.
As mentioned above, fears are good, as they are intended to alert us to potential danger for us and our souls. Something that is not good for us. And of course we should take a close look at this in terms of our resilience so that we can deal better with this type of “disruption” in the future.
At this point, a small detour to the concept of the “inner team” or “inner parts“ might be useful. This concept, developed by Friedemann Schulz von Thun, assumes that we as human beings have many different personality facets that are constantly negotiating with each other and are also responsible for the fact that we do not always behave in the same way in similar situations. Examples of roles within the inner team could be, for example:
- Inner instigator: “Be perfect!”
- Adventurer: „Just do it, it’ll be exciting!”
- Self-doubter: “You can’t do it anyway!”
- Epicure: “Enjoy life!”
- Rationalist: “Don’t show emotions!”
- Protector: “Watch out, that’s dangerous!”
The “protector” is therefore responsible for looking after us and his strongest means of gaining our attention is “fear”. This makes it once again clear why fears are “good” in principle.
But, unfortunately, the amygdala gets in our way. Because it wants to “fight” the fear and get rid of it as quickly as possible. And since this is of course all very abstract and theoretical, we will use a metaphor for the following exercise to help us deal better with any fears that arise:
- Imagine sitting at home in your living room. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door. Fear stands outside and wants to get in.
- Your amygdala reflex is now, of course, to slam the door in the face of fear and get rid of it. Even though you suspect or have already experienced that fear will not give up so quickly and will keep knocking at your door. Quite regularly, or even when you don’t expect it (anymore).
- Instead, you should do something completely different. Invite the fear in and offer it a place on your sofa – because it was sent by your inner “protector”, or better a good friend.
- So welcome it metaphorically, because it wants to point out a supposed danger that you now need to find out whether it actually exists and how you can best deal with it. That’s great, because yes, she means well and wants to help you.
- That’s why you should now engage the fear sitting in front of you in a conversation:
– Why are you actually here?
– What do you want to protect me from?
– How real is the danger, or how likely is it that a negative consequence will actually materialise?
– What can I do to prevent this?
– When have I perhaps ever managed to do so before? And what exactly did I do back then? - Afterwards you should thank the fear and yourself – the fear for all these valuable pointers and yourself for having found the courage to let the fear in and see it as a supporter, rather than an enemy.
As a result, two things will probably happen: first, the fear is probably no longer as great and overpowering as it felt before. At best, it has even dissolved. And secondly, you may find it much easier to develop a strategy for dealing with these anxiety-inducing situations in the future.
P.S.: There is one important note missing here: As with most things in life, you have to train this. So if you come up with a new strategy for dealing with an anxiety trigger, don’t assume that it will work straight away. The amygdala is lightning fast. Faster than anything you may have planned. So if you notice that it starts up, you should first take a deep breath and try to ground yourself again before you react. This will help you to actually achieve what you have set out to do.
