For many people, their partnership is a not inconsiderable source of stress and sometimes even anxiety. Not to mention the small and large crises and disasters of everyday life. You don’t understand your partner. You don’t feel understood yourself. Or seen. Or accepted.
But what makes it so difficult to live a good partnership?
Once again, it is worth taking an excursion into radical constructivism, which is based on the realisation that we all construct our own reality every second. So our perception is completely subjective. Once you have internalised this, it is no longer surprising that two people can perceive the same situation completely different. They simply look at it with their respective, very different “glasses”.
And if you then add Niklas Luhmann’s realisation that “Communication is unlikely. It is unlikely, although we experience it every day, practise it and would not live without it.”” it becomes clear why we not only often perceive things completely different in relationships, but also why we so often misunderstand each other.
So what? What can help us to improve our relationship with this one person with whom we often want to spend our lives – and potentially with all other people too? And above all, what can we contribute to it ourselves?
Some time ago I came across the “10 commandments for cultivating relationships” – unfortunately I can’t remember the source (if you know it, please add it in the comments for others). I find them a little unwieldy and technocratically worded, but that doesn’t make them any less right. They provide a good framework for making a relationship more resilient – because the next conflict is bound to come. In this respect, it’s more a question of how I can best deal with it, instead of avoiding it.
1. Show signs of recognition, appreciation and affection as often as possible. Too much is hardly possible. Love is the only good that becomes more when you waste it.
As I said, that sounds a bit abstract. It’s about saying things like: “I love you” or “I truly ador you”. And preferably, at least once a day. About expressing appreciation and recognition, such as “Thank you for … ” or “I was impressed by the way you handled that situation” or “I thought that was really great/beautiful/touching to …” You often even think these things, but many people have not learnt to say them. Then people often use sentences like “Not criticised is praise enough.” And that is disastrous. Basically, all of these examples are about showing the other person that you see and value them. This makes them feel recognised and seen. And that is incredibly important for our souls. Because as humans, we are social beings and strive for significance for those around us.
2. Nurture the relationship and show initiative. Collect ideas and give suggestions for togetherness, activities and tenderness. You have to do good, not just talk about it.
In the end, it is all about walking the talk. But before that, of course, there are ideas and planning – and sometimes spontaneity. It is important to take the initiative and not just focus on yourself, but also consider what the other person would like to do. The more the ideas take both sides into account, the less the feeling of being selfish or doing something just for the other person – and they in turn feel seen and understood. A classic win-win.
The aspect of tenderness is particularly important in this context. Because in many partnerships, this comes up way too short at some point in everyday life. Holding hands, spontaneously hugging the other person, briefly cuddling their neck, leaning against them and feeling secure. That’s very easy and can be done in between. The fascinating thing is that in this moments we release serotonin, the happiness hormone. That’s why cuddling is so good. And if the other person is not there, you can even do it yourself. How? Just take a look here …
3. Only if you express yourself can the other person understand you. Make sure that what you experience is transparent for your partner. This includes your everyday state of mind, your attitude to life, your life story and future perspective.
This is also about something that many people have never really learnt: Communicating genuinely and authentically. Because we are often afraid of encountering rejection – regardless of whether it concerns our attitudes, thoughts or feelings. This is because many people have experienced being judged and/or criticised by others for what they think, feel and do. We then have the feeling that we are not allowed to be the way we would like to be or are. And these experiences often last a lifetime.
But how can the other person understand us if we don’t show ourselves? If we do not express ourselves?
That’s why a good partnership is always about learning to show yourself and developing a relationship in which this is possible without fear. Which makes it clear that it always takes two people. It is therefore the task of both partners in the relationship to create a protected space in which this is possible without judgement or even belittlement. There’s a great English phrase for this: “We agree to disagree.” So it’s not about always coming to a common understanding and having the same opinion or feeling the same way. It’s about understanding the other person and their position or feelings and finding the differences interesting and enriching. This is the only way we can really see each other and feel seen. And, it’s much more important emotionally and for our souls than “melting” – in other words, always having the same opinions and feeling the same way. Unfortunately, this is a romantic but highly unlikely idea. So it’s best to take the other person as who s/he is – and try to understand who you’re actually dealing with.
4. Express unfulfilled needs and desires for the relationship as soon as you feel them. This is the only way to prevent frustration from building up. Everyone has a right to their needs. But not on their fulfilment.
This point follows on directly from the previous one. Of course, showing yourself also means telling your partner what you don’t like, what bothers you or what causes difficulties within the relationship. Many people are very afraid of this, as it can be (mis)understood as a rejection and they are afraid of taking the other person by surprise, causing conflicting goals (“How can I do justice to both of us now?”) or even hurting them.
The two most important aspects are therefore contained in the guiding principle: firstly, not to bottle up anything. Because then, when the proverbial barrel overflows, there is often an eruptive outburst. And the other person is taken completely by surprise: “Where did that suddenly come from?” Because he or she probably didn’t even realise how and what had built up. After all, we can’t look into each other’s heads. In contrast, the frustration and anger, and therefore the emotional involvement, is much lower if you point it out straight away when you observe something that doesn’t seem right in your partnership or is bothering you. In this case, you can often communicate it much more calmly and neutrally. And it will probably be received differently by the other person. And yes, it’s also a matter of training …
The more important, second aspect, however, is the right to one’s own needs – but not that these also get fulfilled. This is an incredibly important distinction. Because when we express our needs, we often behave as if it were a matter of course and an act of affection or love that the other person will naturally fulfil this need immediately and repeatedly. However, this may of course fundamentally contradict his or her interests and own needs, which is why there may be no willingness to do so.
5. Strive to find solutions when conflicting desires become apparent. Start the conversation from your side and only end it when you have found a pragmatic agreement that can be implemented in everyday life.
As a logical consequence of point 4, both partners can only meet as equals if they take each other’s needs seriously, try to understand them and then negotiate mutually which of the other’s needs can or cannot be met – and accept this for themselves. Of course, as always, the aim here is to strike a fair balance between the different needs.
If no fundamental agreement can be found on the needs themselves, it is therefore all the more important to find pragmatic solutions – and that usually means compromises – that can be implemented in everyday life. To illustrate what this means, let’s take the following situation: One of the partners likes to have a quiet time in the evening, sitting on the sofa and reading a book or watching TV/Netflix. The other likes to go out in the evening and meet up with friends and acquaintances. A principle solution now would be that it is okay for both of them to pursue their needs – with the side effect that the time together that they would like to spend with each other is reduced. In contrast, a pragmatic agreement would be to agree together which days you spend together on the sofa, when you meet other people together, or possibly do something completely different. This agreement should be as specific as possible in order to minimise misunderstandings and make it possible to check whether both parties are actually adhering to the agreement.
6. Immunise yourself mentally against disappointment. Your dream partner also has strengths and weaknesses. You remain two independent people with different learning histories and different ways of experiencing things. Crises don’t mean the end of a relationship. With another partner, these problems might not arise, but others certainly would.
Of course, that sounds incredibly unromantic at first. Something like “If you don’t expect anything, you can’t be disappointed.” – which is, of course, complete rubbish.
In this respect, this guiding principle should rather be understood as a call for serenity. If you are honest with yourself, you usually have a pretty good feeling for how many of your own quirks you carry around with you – despite continuous self-optimisation. If you now assume that the other person has at least as many quirks, it’s either scary or incredibly emotionally relieving. And these quirks will say Hello! from time to time. So it’s perfectly normal for a relationship to have the odd squeak here and there. The only important thing is how you deal with it. The more relaxed we are in dealing with each other’s weaknesses, the more harmonious and positive our relationship with the other person will be.
7. Avoid the inner phrase “Not me again, now it’s the other person’s turn first”, because it is the beginning of a vicious circle. Instead, remind yourself that some things are easier for you – others for your partner. Because the richer can give more – and wherever you realise that you are the richer, give more.
This is a very nice, perhaps initially contradictory connection to the search for a balance in give and take. Because we often assume that things are just as easy or difficult for the other person as they are for us. And that is fatal – not only because it is not true. To the extent that we assume that something is just as easy for the other person as it is for us, our expectations and our lack of understanding naturally increase when the other person struggles with it or even refuses.
That’s why it’s so important at this point to express yourself and make it clear what you find easy or difficult. This enables the other person to take on certain things that may be much easier for him or her. In the sense of the guiding principle, he or she is the richer one at this moment, who finds it much easier to do or not do something specific. And elsewhere it is the other way round. As a result, mutual strengths reinforce each other instead of the respective weaknesses slowing each other down.
8. stop a conversation if it degenerates into an argument, because then it is unlikely that a solution will be found. Postpone it and start again when the conditions for a constructive conversation are right again. This can be the case after only 10 minutes.
As mentioned above, you can’t really avoid disagreeing in a relationship. What can be avoided, however, is that it turns into a real dispute. As already explained elsewhere, our amygdala then intervenes and goes into fight or flight mode and / or we experience a psychological injury that leads to a kind of shock paralysis in which we have the feeling that we cannot react at all. Both lead to self-hypnosis and the famous tunnel, where you almost feel like you are being controlled by others. The resulting dispute is then usually an attempt at self-assertion or self-defence.
This is a highly emotional act in which the rationality now required for the negotiation and the adoption of an observational, non-judgemental position fall completely by the wayside. So we symbolically become animals – and often behave like them.
In order to avoid unintentional (further) injuries to the other person, you should therefore leave the theatre of war immediately – before hurling such lightning bolts that would seriously injure the other person and cause lasting damage. After all, the amygdala is impulsive and a sprinter. She quickly runs out of steam. Then you can ground and centre yourself again and negotiate or discuss the same topic in an atmosphere of calm and appreciation.
9. Never touch each other’s taboos. No couple manages to avoid arguments completely. But never aim for the other person’s “lime leaf”. Verbal abuse and insults should be just as forbidden as physical violence.
You usually know your partner’s weaknesses pretty well. In the heat of the moment, it is therefore very easy to say something that massively hurts the other person. The other person knows that too, and that’s why it hurts the most when it happens.
If you take guiding principle no. 8 to heart, you will thankfully never find yourself in this situation. If it does happen, the most important thing is to be aware of what you have done and to realise that it is not enough to stick a small – or even larger – band-aid on it and think that everything will be fine again. Real wounds take time to heal and it is the primary task of the person who caused them to accept this and give the other person the space to ensure that no scars remain.
10. No relationship is static. Every partnership can develop further at any time if both parties are prepared to change their respective part. If you want a change, then start it yourself. Because in every new relationship you only meet yourself again and again.
People change. People grow through themselves and their challenges. This does not necessarily always happen in sync with the partner, but in phases and waves.
If you want to change or develop for the better, it is first important to take guiding principle no. 3 to heart and show yourself. The better the other partner understands what you might be missing or what you are striving for, the easier it is for them to form their own opinion.
In the second step, it is then important not to demand a change from the other person – which he or she may not (initially) want – but to move forward yourself and live the change you want to see. Or according to the famous words of Mahatma Gandi:
“Become the change you want to see in your world.”
